Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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