Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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