Don't make out with my wife yet
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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