Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
