he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
