I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
