At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize