Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
this beer tastes like vomit already
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
