He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
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