no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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