I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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