Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
