OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Randomize
