I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
