New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
