What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
