Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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