I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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