There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
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