remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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