You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize