Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
