im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
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