Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize