I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
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