You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I am one with the molecules
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
