So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
