pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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