you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
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