i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
