Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
