i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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