i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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