You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
You ruined the universe
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
