Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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