I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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