Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Randomize
