the condom got lost in my hair
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
