remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
