I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Randomize
