What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
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