between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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