Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
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