Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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