Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Randomize
