so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Randomize
