what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
can u get pink eye on your cock?
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
