There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
