winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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