I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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