I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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