also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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