i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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