My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
