i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
