i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
