My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
All the doctor said was why
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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