Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
God, you're like boner-b-gone
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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