Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Randomize
