You can't motorboat a personality
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
