There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
