I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
