Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
