i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
