Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize