i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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