I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
