Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
soo... how was my night?
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
