dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Randomize
