I can tuck mytits in my pants
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
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