I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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