Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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