i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
