I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
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