Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
