i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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