ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
