he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
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