"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
