Your dad touched me again.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
