somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
