I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
